I have big goals for 2019. 🙂
1. Learn to use the phrases “vis-à-vis” and “touche.” Sprinkle them liberally in all conversations with all people. Gain respect from all people who have no idea what those words mean. Which is all people. Get elected president.
2. Finally fess up to my husband, Mark, that the stuff he lost was actually removed from the premises by a person who will remain anonymous. But I caught a glimpse of her. She was really tall. And it seemed like she was just trying to do a good deed.
3. Stop eating wedding cake. Maybe just stop requiring brides to provide me an extra tub of buttercream icing.
4. Respond to text messages. At least those that seem extremely urgent. If they’re from people I’m legally responsible for. If I feel like it at the moment. Or just make a “leave me alone” auto-response.
5. Take a shower even on days when I don’t have to Facetime anyone.
6. Learn to have patience and use the middle area of the thermostat instead of only the extremes so Mark won’t divorce me.
7. Teach Mark what that magic door is in the kitchen that leads to a secret chamber where little elves wash your dishes. IF YOU PUT THEM IN THERE. I’m not bitter at all about this small imperfection in Mark’s otherwise flawless character.
8. Stop asking the children who their favorite parent is. (I think we know.) Stop telling the children who my favorite child is (which changes hourly based on who is responding to the group texts I send them asking for someone to hurry and bring me a piece of candy or a glass of water or anything else I want at the moment.)